i'm in a rut. a serious deep into the earth with very little light coming down upon my face rut. life has become too predictible and staid. nothing exciting, enticing or entrancing to bring me and the rut a little closer to the ground level. really the only things that help are my weekly dates with the kitchen cousins on HGTV and the occasional walk home from work when the humidity is low and i'm not carrying a bag full of shoes, an umbrella or shopping purchases. these two things are not enough to bring me even a foot on the upward movement of climbing out of my rut. i need more and i need it quickly before i am sent spiraling in the opposite direction from my chosen destination.
have you ever taken a moment in the quiet time of life to really, seriously think about what makes you happy? does the light from your above the head light bulb suddenly turn into the intensity of a rock concert spotlight at the precise moment you realize that you only need that one thing/person/idea/focus/truth? and once you realize this spotlight of happiness, are you actually able to take advantage of its glow so that the rut stays far, far away?
the best i can determine is that my rut has become large and discouraging because i haven't been drinking my semi-regular glass of creative juice. i grew up in a home where creativity was encouraged, as long as the creativity didn't find it's permanent way on the floors or walls of our home. i remember during the summer that joani would declare one weekday "craft" day for us kids and we could spend our time making, building or creating something that would eventually line the inside of a trash can. i loved those days as a kid because it taught me that i crave and devour creative things.
this is the source of my rut - i can't remember the last time i was creative. (and i'm not counting the process of choosing an ensemble to wear to work each day) i can't remember the last time i took my camera and walked the streets of new york snapping daily life and daily beauty. i can't remember the last time i tried and probably failed to write poetry. i can't remember the last time i made a change to the decor in my living room or bedroom. i can't remember the last time i tried something a bit funky with my hair or make-up. i can't remember the last time i chose a nail polish color that wasn't white, off-white, pink or red. i can't remember the last time i doodled on a piece of paper just because i was bored. i can't remember the last time i sat at a piano/keyboard and just played something that i felt at that moment. i can't remember the last time i danced around my apartment because i was filled with joy or pain from the music's notes and tone. i haven't had a glass of creative juice in a very long time.
it seems to me that the only way to vanquish this rut or at least pull myself closer to viewing the horizon line from my rut is to take some precious time to be creative. i'm not sure how long dancing around my apartment will last before the glass becomes empty again. but i think if i try to incorporate one or two of my favorite creative outlets each week that i can eventually make a change in life to demolish these almost constant feelings of craving change and adventure. wish me luck to hopefully say sayonara to my rut, which i have named george.